deleting my fb

I have decided last night to delete my facebook account and the decision feels final. This issue of being so open to the world has always been an interesting feeling. Online people have the opportunity to transform themselves into something new. The social networking sites gives everyone a chance to create themselves. A fresh blank sheet of paper. The crazy thing is I know some people who portray themselves as kind, loving, and the sweetest people alive. But in reality they crazy as heck! That is what brings up a red flag in my mind. Online we can be more free and test new limits. I wonder what that does to the reality of our lives. Or maybe I am just blabbering when there is really nothing there. The main reason for deleting my account was to just cut myself off. I wanted to free myself of facebook and not have post about my life. I have had an account for over six years now and it will be tough. Nowadays facebook is where you find everything about everything about someone. Which is pretty scary if you think about it. Anyway this break is a break up and I think the timing is perfect. With anything else we shall see how hard it will be to truly walk away from something. I mean facebook is a great tool and provides many resources at the click of a mouse. So that shall be the missing factor when I finally click the confirm button at the end of my work day. Here is to a new adventure :)

where should i be?

I hate this feeling of not knowing if I am in the right direction. The books I have read lately have led to some inspiration to lead my own path. Leading to more thinking about if I am really where I should be. I thought I was good but the feeling of uneasiness fills my cup to easily. This is a red flag in my book. If so soon after signing up for this change I am uneasy maybe I was not ready. Maybe I just jumped and thought I would land safely on my feet. But the truth is my mind is unclear and that sets the unease. The question of whether or not I am headed in the right direction. I understand the notion of following your heart. I feel that I neglected my heart and jumped into the abyss. Anyway today of all days it comes down hard on me. These emotions and not knowing where to store them. I guess I should meditate, and recognize them so they can give me a break. However this leads to thinking about my interests. The truth is I am not interested. I just want to just leave it be. I wonder what the repercussions would be if I just walked away for now. But I have this innate tendency to finish what I start. So consequently I feel stuck! How does one get unstuck without guilt drowning them? I hate that this is how I was programmed.

how to give my heart a break

Everything was okay. Living day to day. Earlier I was informed of the passing of a dear uncle and I never thought emotions could just pour out of me. I am faced by sadness, guilt, and a little anger. Sadness for the loss and for not stepping up and seeing my uncle when I should have. For choosing to be ignorant. Guilt for what I said the past week. For not really explaining myself. For not acting on what I wanted to do. Anger for the family not wanting to tell me. For their choice to keep it to themselves and not let anyone know. Frankly I fear being confronted because I don't know what to say except apologize. I did not know and I chose not to know. I was a fool. My tears sting my eyes and there are more to come but I am physically stopping them. Now my eyes hurt. In this moment of grief there is no one I can turn to or for better explanation there is no one I want to turn to. I feel like why try to explain myself when my feelings might not be acknowledged. Then the guilt arises because I know someone can put me down in a heart beat. That is the trouble with family is their words are like 1000 knives piercing my skin all at once. That is why it is hard to be so open because it makes me an easy target. How can I give my heart a break? simply by not speaking up. I don't know what to do right now and was hoping writing it out would help. Yet I sit here with my eyes stinging and my emotions bare. Things will always change and people will leave. Life is hard. Yea I know that but I am the only one who takes care of me emotionally. There is no one I run to when I need to. That is my problem, you see, my fear blocks me from letting others in on my pain. My thoughts are: they don't need any of this, they have their own life, and they will leave eventually. That is how I see it. Sad really.

the only adult in detention....

Filling in this role as a lunch detention personnel is not my role. I really don't care to sit here and play the role as tyrant to these children. Telling them what they can and cannot do, frankly the whole thing is boring and tiring for both parties. This brings up the question of what other system in place to ensure that these children learn their lessons. The way I see it they are sitting here and not really contemplating on what they did wrong. If any sort of punishment were to work it would have to be immediate. I think that whole system needs to be redone so that the students change their behavior. There are so many repetitive offenders in here and it gets so packed in the detention room.

Most of the students at the high school level are wanting to be in detention because it gives them an out of class pass. Detention is to get you out of class and not really doing anything but be silent. At the elementary level silence is hard for children and does not really work. So the children start to associate silence with being in trouble. What about being meditative and wanting to be quiet. I don't think that is really a point but a thought. I really would like to see an effective way to deal with behavior issues rather than just putting kids in a box and telling them to not say anything. Children are meant to be loud, sociable, and outgoing. It is in their nature to be curious about their surroundings. Children also do what their parents do and adapt rather quickly to their environment. For example, children spend a great deal of time observing the attitudes of their parents and usually begin to demonstrate similar outlooks.

Children, naturally, want to be loud and express themselves. They are so young and are now learning about things. Children are not supposed to know how to act like adults, yet. But their home environments are the ones who create these unacceptable behaviors. If we were to do anything to impact children with behavior problems the best outlet is to look into helping their parents. That task is a huge one and there is really nothing that can be done but encourage the parents to open up to change. But that rarely happens because many people resist change and stick to what they know.

Children all want to interact and tell you stories of different thing in their lives. Once you get a subject going they love to be involved. It is our system of education and the way we want them to be. I think in all the institutions we lose the children somewhere in all the mess of getting them to be one way. Trying to mold their young minds to do what society wants them to do. It is really interesting to think about how we are programmed to be like this or like that. In all our programming can we really say that we are unique? Can we really lay claim to that? The entire thing is really interesting but at the same time there is little to be done. Because nobody really wants to sit there to figure it all out, and devote time to come up with better solutions. We have all grown accustomed to the detention way of doing things. If you break this law then you go to some form of detention, in adult world its jail, where there are more rules to follow.

Everywhere and everyday there are rules that needs to be followed. Rules are what we are governed by and sometimes those same rules do not work in our favor. But we have to abide by it follow them.

angry birds

 

The thoughts that cross my mind this morning is the reason behind anger. Take the game angry birds for instance its an innocent game but looking closer we will see that the due to the anger from the birds they are crushing the little pigs. Then I start thinking about how we are programmed to react to our anger in physical ways. Think about all the violent movies out right now, there is just so much physical abuse going on. Tons of fighting and gun shots. Doesn't it make you wonder why are children are so aggressive? Children act out what they see and if we are not careful in ten more years we are going to have many aggressive adults. Not that we don't already have that now, but its a thought. Interesting thoughts this morning. What do you think? Should we ban TV to save our children from being programmed? What can we actually do?

me right now....

I feel as though I am slowly drowning and no matter what I do nothing will help me. I sit here an I think about ways that I could have prevented this moment. I think about the what ifs that could have derailed me from drowning. Then again I think maybe this is how it is all supposed to turn out. Misery loves company, they say. Could that mean that we all develop relationships out of our current miseries. Its a possibility that we wont ever admit to sober. You may wonder what I am referring to. Well I am talking about my life status, and more specifically my job. When I brought up my concerns and feelings about my job my friends have helped me, laid out facts, and always told me that we all need a job. That is the truth and sadly most of us come for exactly that, a paycheck. I do not want that in my life I want to be able to find meaning in everything I do. Granted my current job is important for teachers, administrators, and all who work wtih kids here. The thing that truly gets me is the extreme tediousness of the job itself and all the things I am required to do. The stuff is not hard at all, some of it is catching up on data entry that other people neglected to do, and most of is just that: data entry. I sit on my ass all day long pounding the keyboard and making things easier for others. I am happy to a certain extent that my work is part of a team and helps others. I just have a hard time fully accepting it. I mean I do accept it and work daily but the feeling of boredom always comes up. I get bored so easily especially if I am doing something that does not challenge or develop any of my skills at all. I do robotic work, and that is the problem. Unfortunately there is no other way around it because the work needs to be done. I guess the question is what can I do? The answer to that maybe simple but I make it complicated. I could just leave my job and find another but that problem there is my small town does not have very many employment opportunities. I could move to a city, but I have to be here for my family right now. You see how I make it complicated. I have to work because I have to pay for bills that I have created for myself over the past year. Now work is essential to pay for my living. I look back and wish I could have just stuck with one bill, which was my phone bill. But in time I will figure that all out and eliminate bills I do not need. The truth is being home and helping my family brings me joy because I am impacting and creating meaning for those I love. That is the main reason I put up with all this bull crap of a job. Can I voice my true opinions, I don't think that is such a great idea. I come here and work hard and get money. That is the vicious cycle that I have fallen into but the only hope I have is that it is only temporary. Yes that is what makes me wake up everyday to get it over with. The joy is being with my siblings and making them laugh that is what it is all about.

When I first came home I was so lost and angry at my parents for my childhood years. I was consumed by anger that I tortured my mother every chance I got with my words, my actions, and my point was to make her suffer. There once was a lady who said, if you have the opportunity to hurt others who have hurt you, then you have not forgiven them. This simple truth opened my eyes to the fact that I need to forgive. There was so much tears that were welled up in me from the pain that I had not let out. Once the tears came, forgiveness came shortly after. I am not saying I will forget because my past is what brings me to me right now. It did heal my heart and now my relationship with my mother is slowly rebuilding. My father is another story all together. I have forgiven him but I do not trust him, I do not talk to him, and I do not care about him. You see my father is really my stepfather and he is a very selfish man. He has done so much wrong in his lifetime and he continues to this day. He has walked all over my mother, and continues to this day. Slowly I have seen changes in my mother that reflect courage, and strength. She is learning to speak for herself, she is learning to stand up for herself, and she is learning to love herself. Those are the things that I want to see happen for her. My mother did not have the same life choices I have had. She got pregnant really young and what was there to do. She did not complete her high school and to this day that is a struggle of hers. One day I know she will do it and when that day comes I want to be there. I love her so much that I want her to finish school and know the importance of education. That day will come someday. When it comes to each of my siblings I can only hope the best for them and pray they make good choices in life. I used to be very helpful, and always intervene when it comes to my siblings lives but as I got older I saw that regardless of my intervention they always end up doing what they wanted to do. Suddenly it dawned on me that I just need to be supportive and speak only when sought out. I am known for speaking even when the situation does not warrant my views. So the older I get I see that I do not need to be speaking all the time, and have to hold my tongue. I do need to listen more and be able to open my ears even when I want to walk away. Some of my elders words are now coming back to me and I can see just how wise their words and advices were. Only if I had listened more in my younger years.

My point of writing today is to say that writing soothes me. I was feeling super unhappy about my job responsibilities but the truth is taking in the larger picture things are not so bad. I must continue to remind myself that there are people out there that have it worse than I do. That is the utmost truth that we forget quite easily.

morning brainwork

The past few months I have been plagued with such intense negativity. Actually I think it started about a year ago and sitting here thinking about it all I must confess it has been exhausting. I remember throughout my years of high school and undergraduate school I always seemed to find an optimistic attitude and kept moving forward. Although this attitude served me well I think it is good to have a balance of negativity to make everyting make sense again. You see as a child I was traumatized in various ways that I wont go into detail here, maybe later. Having lived through those moments of horror I always stuck to choosing to be happy. I guess in a way this was like overcoming the whole mess. For years I had blamed myself and had a perfectionist attitude. I could do no wrong! Yet like with all things everything caught up to me about four years ago. Since then I have been on a rollercoaster ride that lead me to the now. The negativity was comforting to me because it really wasnt being super negative. It was merely being blunt and straight up honest with everyone around me. I did this for about a year and then started to tone things down because I noticed that not everyone like me very much being super honest. I realized I have very little tolerance for stupidity. And funny enough that is what my family is good at doing is acting a fool. Sometimes I just wonder what in the world were they thinking. You know if you do this___ this are the possible outcomes ___!!! Here it just kept happening over and over again UNTIL I just said screw it and told it like it was. Alcohol in my family is a destroyer and this truth no one believes.

Back to my negativity. Once I had a good year of being honest and not holding back. It is time to get back to a more balanced view of the world. In all this I am slowly knowing more and more about myself. I think I like myself alot more now. I am proud of that. I could not have said that a year ago. Those closest to me have a knack for laying on the guilt and somehow I need to change so things will be better. This use to bother me, well it does but not so much. It hurts my feelings but I can move on from it easier and much smoother. The truth that rocked my core was: I cannot control things out of my reach, but I can control how I react, I can control me. That has been the biggest life changer in my life. I am very appreciative of all that I have gone through because I would not be the me I am today without going through all of the bad and good things.

Babysitting side effects...

Over the past week my sister left her 4 month old baby girl in our care. OUR means myself, my mom, and my youngest siblings. The main babysitting responsibility was my mother because I had work and my siblings had school. BUT this weekend I took care of my baby niece one whole day. Just me and very little help from anyone else. The experience was tiring, revealing, and shocking. My niece starting a running nose and small cough the night before. So during the day at one point she got a fever that scared me to the core. I did not know what to do. She is so small and could not communicate like adults. When I get sick I hate it, and know the crappiness that comes with it. But as an infant I just imagine how much worse it is. Because as an infant I cannot speak to how I feel. I can only cry to signal my distress. I just about started crying from not knowing what to do. Luckily in ten minutes things calm down and she was calmer. I think babies can be like horses and can sense how you feel. Maybe my niece took pity on me and not freaked out so much. Since I was doing all the freaking out for the both of us. Anyway afterwards I sat on the bed with her and I was the only one in the house. I started to think maybe this is how it is for single parents. Suddenly I felt lonely and thought wow I wonder if it was like this for my mom. You see I was raised by a single mother and a stepfather whom was hardly ever there. He did show up once in awhile to show me what NOT to do in my life. As I was sitting on the bed being alone with my baby I realized the amount of work goes into having a child. I was there when my sister gave birth to my niece and saw all the strength she put into pushing. It was an amazing to see life coming into the world. I wonder if men ever feel that same feeling of women bringing life into the world and know just how much a baby impacts our life. Men have never been a good role model in my life. Men have always brought destruction, hurt, betrayal, and pain. So you see my opinion of men in general is not that great but over time I have come to terms that not all men are evil. But I cannot help but bring up how men could just easily impregnate women but never experience the impact it really makes on the woman's life. It is easy for a man to change his mind and move on. Yet for women, especially women from my family, there is a strong tie to their children. At the end of the day I decided that having children would wait, and if it ever happened it would be limited to two.

balance?

The most productive, satisfied employees are those who report they have “an opportunity to do what I do best” everyday.  ~Gallup Research findings~
 
Reading an email from a colleague has sparked up my mind. I am the type of person who gets bored easily if the information coming in is not interesting. In other words I lose interest pretty quick and move on. My current job is not stimulating enough for me and even before I accepted the position I knew this! The downside or upside, depending on how you want to see it, is I am an optimist. I believe that tomorrow will be better. In addition I also have moments of negativity of the future thought those moments are brief they do happen. There was a time in my life when I was naive to the bigger picture of the world and that kept me one-sided. Anyway I learned all the duties required for my job which was simple, mind numbing, robotic tasks. In all honesty this was very similar to last years position. The difference being that last year I worked with adolescents and that provided me the glue to keep me going. This year I do not have any students to work with and most of the time I am solo. After the testings and all the tediousness of the job is done I am left to the Internet or other clerical tasks to keep me busy. At first I had such a problem with not using my strengths at all and just kicking back with easy stuff. I really want to make a difference for students and help them in some way or another. My inner battles are still there but what can I do. Speak up and ask for a different job. I know then things get really bad I tend to find ways to escape in some small way. I feel that feeling resurfacing. I have eight months left and then what. The job I wanted was given to someone else and I hope next year it reopens. To simply say I am not so productive. I do what I know but not what I do best. I guess that is life because seems to me everyone sort of settles and get comfortable in what they do. Where is the change and action? The meaningfulness of every day life. To go out and take charge of the day. It could be that I am not feeling super excited today but this is how I feel. This is all a part of growing up and speaking up. Perhaps I need to speak up a little more.

My point in writing is to point out that we need to keep on doing what we like. Yet this is hard because we all need money to get by. There has to be a balance to keep us sane. I need to find that balance.

vertigo

saturday morning...
as i woke up this morning i lifted my head i felt the room start to spin. so i put my head back down and breathe. i figure i just need to lie down for a moment and let this spinning pass. i sit up slowly and i felt everything spinning. i held my head in my palms and waited for the spinning to stop. as it stopped i walked outside to get some fresh air. my thinking was out of control at this point. i went over everything from last night to yesterday: what did i eat, did i drink enough water, and on and on. i was trying my best to put the puzzle together to figure out why my head started to spin. outside the episode happened again and i lied down on the grass. I felt so faint and really feel like blacking out. the only thing that kept the spinning from slowing down was my hands over my eyes. i did my best to not freak out but eventually i told my mom and went back inside to lie down on the bed. this is when the nausea and vomitting hit me. i cried because i was scared and confused. i hated being either of those two especially at the same time. my mom called the ambulance and the ride to the hospital was so blurry and fast. as the time went on i kept getting so weak and the spinning continued. the only thing that stands out in my brain was the needle poking my skin for iv purposes. an hour later with some medicine to help stablize me i was back to normal. the doctor told me that i experienced vertigo. i have never had that in my life and as i researched on this symptom i realized how luck i am to have these episodes only for ten to twenty seconds. i have read that some people have it for hours. i am so grateful to have it for a small amount of time.

as i write about this event now i am thankful for medication. think about how in the old days people just had to suffer. now we have doctors and medication to help us make sense of the world and reduce our suffering. it takes a couple weeks to fully recover from vertigo but i am hopeful to recover quicker. this event has really opened my eyes to taking better care of myself.

entry one

I have to admit to myself that going at this a second time is not so bad. More so I am more accepting to this type of putting myself out there. In my younger years everything seemed so much harder for me and I never really opened up to anyone. The very few who do know me it has been a long journey. I still feel myself closing up to people within five minutes of meeting them. I wondered about this for some time and had may ideas as to why. In short I figured I was too full of myself or that the people were not up to my standards. One would think that I am self-centered thinking like this. Truth is we all think like this but no one is really brave enough to just say it like it is. The past couple years I have gone through a transformation of sorts. If you had met me four years ago you would have seen someone different. Maybe not so different but in my own perspective I believe I have changed. I speak up more than I used to and most importantly I stand up and fight back to things I do not believe in. I am proud of the changes that have taken place but those who are close to me, mainly family member, do not find this change tasteful. I am mean, impulsive, and somehow its all my fault. In this area I have trouble seeing their side and how I am all these things. Yes sometimes I do speak without thinking but taken in context you would understand why I say what I say. I do not want to talk about this very much. I feel as if someone found out about my writing about family my list of bad traits would include: traitor. Maybe I am being a little dramatic about all these things but it is what it is.

At times I do still feel insecure about my writings. The little voice of insecurity still haunts me and hopefully one day it will be quieter. Truth is I want to write a book one day and lately I have not thought about the idea very much. I feel I would fail before I even put any words on paper and ultimately no one would read it. Slowly things are coming together I have even saved a word document with no title or words, yet. Baby steps. With this blog I hope to achieve some documentation of my new chapter in my journey. The past does not continue to linger over me and I have learned that forgiveness is very important. I hope that one day my words can help others as words of so many wonderful individuals have helped me.