entry one

I have to admit to myself that going at this a second time is not so bad. More so I am more accepting to this type of putting myself out there. In my younger years everything seemed so much harder for me and I never really opened up to anyone. The very few who do know me it has been a long journey. I still feel myself closing up to people within five minutes of meeting them. I wondered about this for some time and had may ideas as to why. In short I figured I was too full of myself or that the people were not up to my standards. One would think that I am self-centered thinking like this. Truth is we all think like this but no one is really brave enough to just say it like it is. The past couple years I have gone through a transformation of sorts. If you had met me four years ago you would have seen someone different. Maybe not so different but in my own perspective I believe I have changed. I speak up more than I used to and most importantly I stand up and fight back to things I do not believe in. I am proud of the changes that have taken place but those who are close to me, mainly family member, do not find this change tasteful. I am mean, impulsive, and somehow its all my fault. In this area I have trouble seeing their side and how I am all these things. Yes sometimes I do speak without thinking but taken in context you would understand why I say what I say. I do not want to talk about this very much. I feel as if someone found out about my writing about family my list of bad traits would include: traitor. Maybe I am being a little dramatic about all these things but it is what it is.

At times I do still feel insecure about my writings. The little voice of insecurity still haunts me and hopefully one day it will be quieter. Truth is I want to write a book one day and lately I have not thought about the idea very much. I feel I would fail before I even put any words on paper and ultimately no one would read it. Slowly things are coming together I have even saved a word document with no title or words, yet. Baby steps. With this blog I hope to achieve some documentation of my new chapter in my journey. The past does not continue to linger over me and I have learned that forgiveness is very important. I hope that one day my words can help others as words of so many wonderful individuals have helped me.