balance?

The most productive, satisfied employees are those who report they have “an opportunity to do what I do best” everyday.  ~Gallup Research findings~
 
Reading an email from a colleague has sparked up my mind. I am the type of person who gets bored easily if the information coming in is not interesting. In other words I lose interest pretty quick and move on. My current job is not stimulating enough for me and even before I accepted the position I knew this! The downside or upside, depending on how you want to see it, is I am an optimist. I believe that tomorrow will be better. In addition I also have moments of negativity of the future thought those moments are brief they do happen. There was a time in my life when I was naive to the bigger picture of the world and that kept me one-sided. Anyway I learned all the duties required for my job which was simple, mind numbing, robotic tasks. In all honesty this was very similar to last years position. The difference being that last year I worked with adolescents and that provided me the glue to keep me going. This year I do not have any students to work with and most of the time I am solo. After the testings and all the tediousness of the job is done I am left to the Internet or other clerical tasks to keep me busy. At first I had such a problem with not using my strengths at all and just kicking back with easy stuff. I really want to make a difference for students and help them in some way or another. My inner battles are still there but what can I do. Speak up and ask for a different job. I know then things get really bad I tend to find ways to escape in some small way. I feel that feeling resurfacing. I have eight months left and then what. The job I wanted was given to someone else and I hope next year it reopens. To simply say I am not so productive. I do what I know but not what I do best. I guess that is life because seems to me everyone sort of settles and get comfortable in what they do. Where is the change and action? The meaningfulness of every day life. To go out and take charge of the day. It could be that I am not feeling super excited today but this is how I feel. This is all a part of growing up and speaking up. Perhaps I need to speak up a little more.

My point in writing is to point out that we need to keep on doing what we like. Yet this is hard because we all need money to get by. There has to be a balance to keep us sane. I need to find that balance.

vertigo

saturday morning...
as i woke up this morning i lifted my head i felt the room start to spin. so i put my head back down and breathe. i figure i just need to lie down for a moment and let this spinning pass. i sit up slowly and i felt everything spinning. i held my head in my palms and waited for the spinning to stop. as it stopped i walked outside to get some fresh air. my thinking was out of control at this point. i went over everything from last night to yesterday: what did i eat, did i drink enough water, and on and on. i was trying my best to put the puzzle together to figure out why my head started to spin. outside the episode happened again and i lied down on the grass. I felt so faint and really feel like blacking out. the only thing that kept the spinning from slowing down was my hands over my eyes. i did my best to not freak out but eventually i told my mom and went back inside to lie down on the bed. this is when the nausea and vomitting hit me. i cried because i was scared and confused. i hated being either of those two especially at the same time. my mom called the ambulance and the ride to the hospital was so blurry and fast. as the time went on i kept getting so weak and the spinning continued. the only thing that stands out in my brain was the needle poking my skin for iv purposes. an hour later with some medicine to help stablize me i was back to normal. the doctor told me that i experienced vertigo. i have never had that in my life and as i researched on this symptom i realized how luck i am to have these episodes only for ten to twenty seconds. i have read that some people have it for hours. i am so grateful to have it for a small amount of time.

as i write about this event now i am thankful for medication. think about how in the old days people just had to suffer. now we have doctors and medication to help us make sense of the world and reduce our suffering. it takes a couple weeks to fully recover from vertigo but i am hopeful to recover quicker. this event has really opened my eyes to taking better care of myself.

entry one

I have to admit to myself that going at this a second time is not so bad. More so I am more accepting to this type of putting myself out there. In my younger years everything seemed so much harder for me and I never really opened up to anyone. The very few who do know me it has been a long journey. I still feel myself closing up to people within five minutes of meeting them. I wondered about this for some time and had may ideas as to why. In short I figured I was too full of myself or that the people were not up to my standards. One would think that I am self-centered thinking like this. Truth is we all think like this but no one is really brave enough to just say it like it is. The past couple years I have gone through a transformation of sorts. If you had met me four years ago you would have seen someone different. Maybe not so different but in my own perspective I believe I have changed. I speak up more than I used to and most importantly I stand up and fight back to things I do not believe in. I am proud of the changes that have taken place but those who are close to me, mainly family member, do not find this change tasteful. I am mean, impulsive, and somehow its all my fault. In this area I have trouble seeing their side and how I am all these things. Yes sometimes I do speak without thinking but taken in context you would understand why I say what I say. I do not want to talk about this very much. I feel as if someone found out about my writing about family my list of bad traits would include: traitor. Maybe I am being a little dramatic about all these things but it is what it is.

At times I do still feel insecure about my writings. The little voice of insecurity still haunts me and hopefully one day it will be quieter. Truth is I want to write a book one day and lately I have not thought about the idea very much. I feel I would fail before I even put any words on paper and ultimately no one would read it. Slowly things are coming together I have even saved a word document with no title or words, yet. Baby steps. With this blog I hope to achieve some documentation of my new chapter in my journey. The past does not continue to linger over me and I have learned that forgiveness is very important. I hope that one day my words can help others as words of so many wonderful individuals have helped me.