how to give my heart a break

Everything was okay. Living day to day. Earlier I was informed of the passing of a dear uncle and I never thought emotions could just pour out of me. I am faced by sadness, guilt, and a little anger. Sadness for the loss and for not stepping up and seeing my uncle when I should have. For choosing to be ignorant. Guilt for what I said the past week. For not really explaining myself. For not acting on what I wanted to do. Anger for the family not wanting to tell me. For their choice to keep it to themselves and not let anyone know. Frankly I fear being confronted because I don't know what to say except apologize. I did not know and I chose not to know. I was a fool. My tears sting my eyes and there are more to come but I am physically stopping them. Now my eyes hurt. In this moment of grief there is no one I can turn to or for better explanation there is no one I want to turn to. I feel like why try to explain myself when my feelings might not be acknowledged. Then the guilt arises because I know someone can put me down in a heart beat. That is the trouble with family is their words are like 1000 knives piercing my skin all at once. That is why it is hard to be so open because it makes me an easy target. How can I give my heart a break? simply by not speaking up. I don't know what to do right now and was hoping writing it out would help. Yet I sit here with my eyes stinging and my emotions bare. Things will always change and people will leave. Life is hard. Yea I know that but I am the only one who takes care of me emotionally. There is no one I run to when I need to. That is my problem, you see, my fear blocks me from letting others in on my pain. My thoughts are: they don't need any of this, they have their own life, and they will leave eventually. That is how I see it. Sad really.