morning brainwork

The past few months I have been plagued with such intense negativity. Actually I think it started about a year ago and sitting here thinking about it all I must confess it has been exhausting. I remember throughout my years of high school and undergraduate school I always seemed to find an optimistic attitude and kept moving forward. Although this attitude served me well I think it is good to have a balance of negativity to make everyting make sense again. You see as a child I was traumatized in various ways that I wont go into detail here, maybe later. Having lived through those moments of horror I always stuck to choosing to be happy. I guess in a way this was like overcoming the whole mess. For years I had blamed myself and had a perfectionist attitude. I could do no wrong! Yet like with all things everything caught up to me about four years ago. Since then I have been on a rollercoaster ride that lead me to the now. The negativity was comforting to me because it really wasnt being super negative. It was merely being blunt and straight up honest with everyone around me. I did this for about a year and then started to tone things down because I noticed that not everyone like me very much being super honest. I realized I have very little tolerance for stupidity. And funny enough that is what my family is good at doing is acting a fool. Sometimes I just wonder what in the world were they thinking. You know if you do this___ this are the possible outcomes ___!!! Here it just kept happening over and over again UNTIL I just said screw it and told it like it was. Alcohol in my family is a destroyer and this truth no one believes.

Back to my negativity. Once I had a good year of being honest and not holding back. It is time to get back to a more balanced view of the world. In all this I am slowly knowing more and more about myself. I think I like myself alot more now. I am proud of that. I could not have said that a year ago. Those closest to me have a knack for laying on the guilt and somehow I need to change so things will be better. This use to bother me, well it does but not so much. It hurts my feelings but I can move on from it easier and much smoother. The truth that rocked my core was: I cannot control things out of my reach, but I can control how I react, I can control me. That has been the biggest life changer in my life. I am very appreciative of all that I have gone through because I would not be the me I am today without going through all of the bad and good things.